January 21st was fast approaching and my anxiety level was beginning to fight with me.  I tried to overcome it because I knew Munchkin’s one year anniversary was coming.  I was looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

I was looking forward to it because it was my “last” of my “first’s” that I had to experience.  A milestone.

I was dreading it because of course it was the one year anniversary that my lovely Munchkin didn’t wake up.

I let the day creep up slowly, really trying to push it away.  I didn’t say anything to my husband, we have tried not to let too much of our pain out to each other because as soon as one does then we both cry.  We have both been trying to be strong for the other one, yet strength is only holding it in.   By the end of the day he had noticed how quiet I had been and asked why.  He knew, but asked anyways.  We cried, but we got through it.

Within that week, I had the most amazing dream.

A gift.

One that I do not believe will ever leave my memory.

I was blessed.

I will try and explain it the best way I can.  I’m not blurred or have forgotten any of it.  It is just hard to really describe.

……..I was in a “place” (I do not know where) but I was there with my Munchkin and her children (my grand kids) were with us.  There were others around us and to me it was sort of like a marketplace.   We were outdoors, yet there was not any sun, but light.  Beautiful light, not hot, no humidity, nothing like here.   My daughter was of exquisite beauty.  Her hair was very short and in very thick curls all over her head.  Here, when she was alive her hair was very long and she would use a straightener on it.   She was dressed in a white (linen like to me) gown, dress what ever you would call it.  It had sleeves down to her wrists and it came just up above her ankles.  I do not remember any shoes on her feet.  The main and most important thing that I remember was her “maturity.”  How calm she was, how at ease with her self she seemed.

The two older children were sitting with us.  Also very calm in my dream.  The youngest (the two year old) was running around like he had complete freedom, laughing and jumping and running.  Free as a bird.  We had no worries about him.   Me and the children “KNEW” she was in heaven.  In my dream we knew that we were not, and she was.  The two older children were not “vieying” for her time or arguing with each other, they were extremely at ease with where we were and that we were all together.

There was no sadness among any of us.  We were all very happy to be there.

I do not remember the majority of our conversation.  I just remember being able to “Feel” what she felt.  No sadness, no pain, no regret.

I felt free, loved, at peace.  When I say free, I mean I did not have any ties to here.   None of the worries that I go through, no bad thoughts, nothing.  I felt completely free.   The children were the same.  We were sitting for a while then got up and walked a bit, the children at our side.

I felt like I was about to wake up, and knew that this was a moment with her and didn’t want to leave.  I remember making the comment to her that “I couldn’t wait to be with her in heaven!”

It wasn’t because of the loss of her, it was what I felt being there.  The complete peace of heart, of love, of freedom.

I have not had any more remorse since that dream.  It is all gone.

When I did wake up, I felt happy.  I woke up with a smile.  I knew what I had just been given.  A gift.  A blessing.

I received a small gift of being with my Munchkin in Heaven.