Tag Archive: grieving

May 6th, 2014.

via May 6th, 2014.


Our challenges are still like a mountain. The in depth pain of loosing my Munchkin was and still just seems like a dream. I keep wanting to just wake up and it was all a bad dream. A long, bad dream.

But it isn’t. I know it is reality and so I get up every day, put on a smile and go to work. I have to say I am thankful and blessed that I can still work at home, but my career involves me motivating people, training them and talking to my own customers. Try being the “perky person” during a season of emotional devastation. All I can say here is I have some really good friends!

Enough of that. I have made it, I am stronger and I will survive it!

How did I do it?

By seeing her in that one dream really touched me, internally. I felt a glimpse of the peace she was in. Unimaginable peace and the true definition of what God is.  I have never in my life ever had that kind of “feeling” like I did in my dream, and when I awoke.   I can still close my eyes and put myself back in that dream and feel those moments.  That is why it is so strange to speak of it, because I was not the same person as I am here.   Here I have the stress of daily life in my dream, there was no such thing.  Total peace.

It really boils down to Positive brings Positive and Negative brings Negative. Positive is Christ and all that he is and all that he offers.

One of my really good friends put it to me this way. “It isn’t meant that we are NOT to have,” because it is written that all you have to do is “Ask and it shall be.” It doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve something, it just means that what you are asking for is sometimes NOT what is meant to be for you! That if you put all of your faith in Christ and trust that faith, that Christ will lead your life into the right direction. We may call it “rewards,” but I would rather see it as positive attracting positive.

When we try to lead our own lives is where we get into trouble. Some times the path’s we are wanting to take do not have the best outcomes and yet we will fight our way to get it. When so many obstacles stand in our way, we try to see those as adversity and IF we try to overcome it, we will get what we want.

But IF you look at WHY those obstacles are in front of you to begin with…….you might come to realize that it  is Christ trying to steer you clear of what IS not meant for you! That it will only bring you unhappiness and emotional or physical trauma. IF you were to view those obstacles that were set in front of you as “a sign,” possibly one you were asking for but blind because it was not what YOU wanted, your life would of went on to a more positive path!

All of this is hard. It is hard to see what is right in front of our eyes. Because we are greedy in wanting certain things. But if we listened to our hearts and our own “inner feelings” we would come out way ahead.

I am guilty of this. But I like to FEEL the goodness that is upon and bestowed upon me every single day. When I do that, I feel wonderful! When I let the emotions try to take over, or my worries then I stress and get sad and burdened. Letting go of this and trusting that it will all be taken care of will lift your spirit to new heights, new beginnings and new wonderment into your own life.

I say this because I am guilty of it, but also because it lead to my Munchkin fighting for what she wanted or thought she wanted. When she stood on her own two feet and dug her heels in and put her faith and believe back in Christ, she glowed! Wonderful things came her way. When she tried to go back to what led her to the misery, she perished.

It is a daily, physical and emotional devotion so to speak, to hold your head up high, get up and smile and move forward. Trust in the “positive” because that is where you are at your best!

Much love.

A Walk Into My New Future

ImageI have to admit I am feeling a little better every day.  This month will mark one year since Munchkin went Home.  Menopause is kicking me in the butt at times with 3:30 awakenings but the Lexapro seems to kick in a little better now so my days are not so despairing as they were. 

I have gone “without” any type of medications all year because I believed I could handle this. I’m here to tell you, a little bit will help tremendously. I look back and now wish I would of asked for it earlier. So much weight has been taken off of my soul.  I can breathe with ease and look forward to my days instead of looking into disappointment. 

Today, I plan on cleaning up some things here in my office.  I have a big show coming up in a few weeks and really need to prepare for it.  I need to get some ideas together for my Team of Scentsy-ites and just get organized.  

I can see the daylight from the fog and with that I will take full advantage of what life is.  I have all of my curtains open and letting the sun shine through the house which gives me great pleasure.  

My motivation is in check and we have a big training coming up so I am glad I am ready to step up to the plate and go back to bringing in a future to all of my ladies. 

I am a leader and a consultant for Scentsy, yet with that brings me to be a motivator an inspirator and a leader.  This last year has been the worst to try and be “happy, happy, happy!”   Yet I can say my team really stepped up and took over on their own.  Some true leaders popped out and took the reigns and did things for me so I wouldn’t have to think about them.  Which I didn’t!  

Your mind goes blank, and foggy.  Your mood is poor at best and just getting through a day is an emotional task in itself.  But my Scentsy family is an amazing pool of not just consultants but friends.   And now it is my turn to give back what I am here for.  We have a home office tour training coming up and with that I have bought some balls and Pop Rocks to send out to those that have registered and are attending.  It is a fun thing and I wanted to kick it off by sending something fun to them in the mail.   Something I couldn’t even think about doing in the last few months..  

Now I can.  

Your time will come.  Life is there waiting for you.  Take it one step, one day at a time.  Get some kind of medication if you haven’t already.  It does help.  In this situation a small amount can help you see some day light.  But live. 

I’m ready.

I had responded to a post on Tersia Burger’s blog and I started to get into the story of how I met Michelle and my spiritual awakening.  So today I wanted to tell my story of the “Butterflies.”

Even though we have recently lost our 2nd daughter, Munchkin, my 1st Angel in Heaven passed away 30 years ago at the tender age of 3 1/2.  I was very young and pregnant with Munchkin.  A very trying time but as the years passed and we had Munchkin to raise, life got easier and time let us live.

It never leaves you, the empty feeling, but you can learn where to place it so that you can go on.

I’m not exactly sure how long ago it was that I met Michelle but it was at least 5 years ago that I can say for sure.  My sister had called me about this lady she met at her tanning station.  She was a “reader/intuitive” and was going to do a gallery reading with her in-laws and wanted to know if I would go to make up the 6th person that they needed.  I was intrigued and so I agreed.  What could it hurt (not that I believed in it 100%) but thought it would be fun.

I met my sister at her house and on our way to the reading I was telling her about all of these “Butterflies” that were appearing around me and my husband.  I do not remember exactly what time of year it was, summer perhaps because I know we would be sitting out side and these butterflies would just appear and not just flutter by us but land on us, and stay.  You could not get rid of them.   I remember how uncanny it was to watch my husband mow the yard and this one yellow butterfly landed on his hat and stayed there the entire time he was mowing.  I was intrigued because of all the noise and vibration and moving around he was doing you would of thought the butterfly  would of fluttered away and yet it stayed with him the entire time.

I remember another day during this time I was sitting outside under the awning and a small, yellow butterfly flew all around me and then landed right in front of me, and stayed, and then another and another and one more!

Four yellow butterflies all landed at my feet.  I commented to my daughter Lindy that I knew that was her!  I talked to her a few minutes just telling her how I appreciated the butterflies and knowing that she was still around us.

So right before we went in I told my sister, “if this lady is for real then she will mention Butterflies” and then we will know for sure that it is Lindy and Lindy is coming through.

As soon as we walked in the door I remember Michelle just “eyeing” me and following me with her eyes.  “Great,” I thought, she can already see right through me and I am going to die!

We started to take our seats and Michelle looked directly at me and pointed to me, “You are O.C.D.,” aren’t you?

I laughed and commented that “Yes, I believe I am “Obsessive, CONTROLLING, Disorder,” I will admit to that, but not COMPULSIVE.”  We all laughed and she agreed that she was also!

The session started and she even started with me.  Needless to say we were all intrigued.  The things she pointed on all made sense and I could relate to yet she hadn’t mentioned anything about Lindy.

I was the note taker after that and wrote down the conversations she had on the others (because you do tend to forget afterwards) you are so consumed in every word you forget what was actually said.   The evening progressed and soon we were all finished and everyone started to leave, except me and my sister.

I pulled out one of the last picture’s I had of Lindy and asked Michelle if she could tell me anything about my daughter.   She motioned for us both to sit back down while she looked over the picture and rubbed it gently.

“She’s right here sitting beside me.”  She is actually with you all the time.

“You can hold out your hand and she will put her hand in yours.”  A moment I will never forget.  Not that I felt her, but it was a moment for me.

Michelle then asked me:  “What’s with all the Butterflies?”

My sister grabbed my hand and was just weeping tears of joy as was I!

She is there, here with us.  Right in front of me and she is really with us all the time.

I have not lost her completely, I just can no longer see her or feel her.   She is here, always.

I do not remember much more of the reading.  That was my awakening.  That was my beginning!

Michelle had also confided in us that she herself had lost a young son many years ago also.  We are close in age (I, a little further south than she is), but our lives seemed to intertwine in some ways.  We could relate to the loss of a child.  Something I rarely had come across.  We talked some as to how we both had experienced the non-help there was during our times of grieve.  The counseling was not exactly what fit either of us and neither of us continued and just found our own ways of dealing with it.   “Close it up,” and move on.   Not the best move but the most accepted.

Through the years we became friends.  I no longer needed a reading after that.  I found out all I wanted to know.  I found my daughter.  I do not need to know about my future, it will happen regardless and I will live it (correction, have lived it) as in loosing our Munchkin.   Michelle was right there beside me and has stayed beside me now the entire time helping me in getting past the pain.  Her spiritual side is a blessing, her nurturing and understanding of what it is like to also loose a child has helped me beyond measure.

She knows when to check in on me (or I could say one of my Munchkins is telling her to).  Uncanny!  Just two weeks ago she called me and asked if I was doing the “What If’s.”  You may know what I mean……. what IF I had done this, what IF I had done that…..the guilt trip!   She said “Munchkin says to stop it.”   There are no What IF’s!  You could not of done anything to prevent it.

I cried for a bit while she consoled me and made me realize it was the Mom Factor.  We do this all of our lives.  We love.

Michelle has grown as an intuitive since the first time I saw her.  She has moved a couple of hours away but we still stay in contact almost weekly.  She has advanced in her gift and has a good client base now.  She also knows when someone needs her and has a special place for moms who are in need of connection.

So watch for the little things you might take for granted.  Someone may be sending you a “hello!”

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