Tag Archive: angels


This has got to be a roller coaster and I am ready to get off.

Munchkin…….was it an accident? They say it is still under investigation. I am still in shock and it was 2 weeks ago. Did you great him in heaven?

I hate it when you get a phone call and the person on the other line asks you to “sit down.” You know it is not great news. Of course it was “here-say” at this point, but she asked if I had heard about our youngest grandson’s father being shot and killed the night before? Your husband.

“No,” I said. I haven’t heard from anyone, what happened. I got her version of the story and told her I would make the phone call. If it was true or not they would talk to me. He was (is) our grandson’s father. I had to pull myself together at the moment, I was actually shaking. While this was being told to me my mother in law and oldest grandson were standing in front of me and I had been reiterating the story to them and had Case go get his Papa and tell him what I had just heard.

After I hung up we were all in a state of shock at this news. We (me and your husband) were not on the same page in life since you passed away, but I never wanted this or any death to come to him. I had actually just spoke with him 2 weeks earlier and I had told him that I hoped in the future he gets remarried so Witt can have a mom. One that could love him as much as you did. He is only 4 and so loveable now, he could still bond with someone and that was all I wanted. I did not want him raised by just us grand parents.

His life was just coming together after 3  years of your passing.  His had just received his settlement from the accident and quit working and took Witt full-time.  I did not ask the final total but he just said he did not have to work anymore and he could finally be a full-time dad to Witt.  So even though I was a bit envious of that news (because you were a part of it all and you would have been well taken care of, financially at this point IF you both were even still together).  But it was what you were helping him with and taking care of him.   All of these moments were running through my head when I pulled up his mom’s name on my phone.  I decided to just send a quick text, “I just heard some very disturbing news about “C.”  Is it true?

……………………..and then my phone rang.  It was her.

“Yes,” she said.  “C” is gone.  He was shot in the side and they could not save him.  I just sat there in silence and let her tell me everything.  Going more and more into shock and disbelief.  He may have been shot by his girl friend, yet she was saying he committed suicide.   I have to admit I do not believe he committed suicide.  He just came into a lot of money, his life was coming together, he didn’t have to work.  He could do what he wanted and was even coaching Witt’s T-ball team.  He was finally gaining some happiness.  I don’t think I can accept the notion of him shooting his self.  Yet which ever way this turns out there is still one little person who no longer has any parents.

My heart was breaking for my little Witt.  He is only 4.  I knew he would never know or remember anything about you Munchkin, but now not even his father.  He will have no memories what so ever of either of you.

I went to church the next day and took Case with me.  Now that he is living with us I am going to make sure he goes to church.  I was being pulled so much to stop by their house and see Witt.  I just needed to be with him.  Case did not want to go.  I told him he did not have a choice.  He could stay in the truck, but I had to be with Witt.

They were not expecting us when we arrived, only Rus (“C,s” dad) and a friend were outside standing in front of an old boat that was gathering weeds on the side of the house. He told me Witt was with someone who went to the pharmacy to run off some pictures and would be right back and that Rhoda was inside. I saw tears in his eyes and told him how sorry I was.  He just slowly shook his head in understanding and introduced me to his friend.   I decided to go in and Rhoda just grabbed me and hugged me and we grieved together.  For our children were now both gone.

Like I said, this family was not at the top of my list as friends, but we were connected by our grandson and our concerns were the same for him.  Here we were united.   While we spoke for a while, Witt came home and was so happy to see me.  I hugged him up and gave him Meme kisses and it made him excited, I then told him that his big brother was out in the truck and he could go see him also.  He wanted to know if he could come home with us.   Holding back tears because it is all I wanted to do.  To get him away from sadness and despair that was to come, yet I told him maybe not right now.   To just go see brother for a bit.  He was happy and jumped down out of my lap and ran outside calling his brother’s name.   We spoke for a bit until I knew I needed to leave.  They were having to go up to the funeral home and make arrangements, so I did end up taking Witt home for a few hours until they were done.

I can not believe how twisted this life is.  We took our oldest grandson in because of him just not getting along with his father and step mother and other issues.  It was only six weeks of  school left and not the best of times to switch schools but we all discussed this and believed it was the best.  Case is happier here but we did have to have a “come to Jesus” meeting.  Basically telling him me and his Papa are not as young as we were and we do not have it in us to raise another child.  I told him what I expected out of him and if he could be responsible enough to up hold these things and be a hundred percent part of this house hold then we would all get along on a full-time basis.  Coming to visit us once or twice a month was one thing, living here was going to be totally different.  So now with us having him full-time, and then hearing about Witt, it seemed life was beginning to churn again.

I guess I could have fore seen something happening by the feelings of being drawn back to church for the past few months.  I had been having such a strong pull to have more faith full people around me. I do not know how to explain it but of a spiritual nature was calling me.  I now see it as preparing me for what was coming.  Kind of a re-charge.

God works in mysterious and silent waves through out our lives.  Here I am again.  But I am strong in faith.

Two weeks have passed and Rhoda still says they have not released their findings on “C’s” death.  She of course believes it was not suicide……………..although I also know someone from the “girlfriends” side and have heard other things….. This should get even more interesting.

 

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May 6th, 2014.

via May 6th, 2014.

Our challenges are still like a mountain. The in depth pain of loosing my Munchkin was and still just seems like a dream. I keep wanting to just wake up and it was all a bad dream. A long, bad dream.

But it isn’t. I know it is reality and so I get up every day, put on a smile and go to work. I have to say I am thankful and blessed that I can still work at home, but my career involves me motivating people, training them and talking to my own customers. Try being the “perky person” during a season of emotional devastation. All I can say here is I have some really good friends!

Enough of that. I have made it, I am stronger and I will survive it!

How did I do it?

By seeing her in that one dream really touched me, internally. I felt a glimpse of the peace she was in. Unimaginable peace and the true definition of what God is.  I have never in my life ever had that kind of “feeling” like I did in my dream, and when I awoke.   I can still close my eyes and put myself back in that dream and feel those moments.  That is why it is so strange to speak of it, because I was not the same person as I am here.   Here I have the stress of daily life in my dream, there was no such thing.  Total peace.

It really boils down to Positive brings Positive and Negative brings Negative. Positive is Christ and all that he is and all that he offers.

One of my really good friends put it to me this way. “It isn’t meant that we are NOT to have,” because it is written that all you have to do is “Ask and it shall be.” It doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve something, it just means that what you are asking for is sometimes NOT what is meant to be for you! That if you put all of your faith in Christ and trust that faith, that Christ will lead your life into the right direction. We may call it “rewards,” but I would rather see it as positive attracting positive.

When we try to lead our own lives is where we get into trouble. Some times the path’s we are wanting to take do not have the best outcomes and yet we will fight our way to get it. When so many obstacles stand in our way, we try to see those as adversity and IF we try to overcome it, we will get what we want.

But IF you look at WHY those obstacles are in front of you to begin with…….you might come to realize that it  is Christ trying to steer you clear of what IS not meant for you! That it will only bring you unhappiness and emotional or physical trauma. IF you were to view those obstacles that were set in front of you as “a sign,” possibly one you were asking for but blind because it was not what YOU wanted, your life would of went on to a more positive path!

All of this is hard. It is hard to see what is right in front of our eyes. Because we are greedy in wanting certain things. But if we listened to our hearts and our own “inner feelings” we would come out way ahead.

I am guilty of this. But I like to FEEL the goodness that is upon and bestowed upon me every single day. When I do that, I feel wonderful! When I let the emotions try to take over, or my worries then I stress and get sad and burdened. Letting go of this and trusting that it will all be taken care of will lift your spirit to new heights, new beginnings and new wonderment into your own life.

I say this because I am guilty of it, but also because it lead to my Munchkin fighting for what she wanted or thought she wanted. When she stood on her own two feet and dug her heels in and put her faith and believe back in Christ, she glowed! Wonderful things came her way. When she tried to go back to what led her to the misery, she perished.

It is a daily, physical and emotional devotion so to speak, to hold your head up high, get up and smile and move forward. Trust in the “positive” because that is where you are at your best!

Much love.

The passage

Searching for answers and reason is a normal process in which we all must go through when we loose our children.  The reality is slow, yet it will come.  These first few posts are my way of dealing with some ongoing issues that I have and a release.  I will get through it, yet I will never get “over it.”  And never, ever use those words (get over it) to a person who has lost a child.  We “Get through it.”  Never do you get “over it.”  

Answers come in many formats.  The most common is having someone to talk to.  If you have a loved one, a friend, even just an acquaintance that has lost a child, please call them.  Even after so many months pass they still need a release.  It takes about a year to get passed the “open wound” that we feel.  The best way to describe it to people who say “I cannot imagine what you are going through” is to imagine part of your Soul gone.  It is such a deep, intense pain that feels like part of your insides have just been ripped out yet you are physically intact.  

When people say “I don’t know what to do.”  You lend an ear.  This is what they need.  Help keep them busy.  Idle minds is what we revert to and when we are idle we have nothing better to do than to think of what we no longer have. 

Send them letters or even a card months after just letting them know you are still thinking about them.  We believe our best passage is to not talk about it.  It is and it isn’t.  We have to move on, yet we feel guilty doing so because we are still here. 

Searching will come in forms of books.  I, myself cannot buy one that tells you how to “deal with loosing a child.”  I look more into the spiritual books.  I look to be closer to my children whom are in “different forms now.”  

They will question God and Why.  This is normal, but will pass in time.  God is what gets us through.  Our answers are not what we have been brought up to believe.  We question God because we cannot believe a child can be taken from us.  YET, the age doesn’t have any measure in our existence here.  I believe our “task” is done.  Completed.  We all come from God and we go home to God.  That is our ultimate reason for making our life here.  To go home and be with God.  

When our children make it there before we do.  Then you were blessed with souls who’s tasks here were short. We must endure because we still have many things to learn.  

Having faith will rest the fear. 

 

Mom’s Notes

Melissa, it’s going on 4 months now and you are constantly on my mind.  I’m not sure if it is just because Mother’s Day is 4 days from now or what.  But it is a nagging feeling just encompassing me day and night.

The days just pass by so quickly.  It just doesn’t seem like I have enough time in the day to accomplish much of anything.  I still need to get the kids room cleaned up, get their clothes sorted and take some up to the store.  We still need a date for a yard sale.  All of your things are still in the shop.  And I want to move.  You know I need to move.   For our sake and the kids.  You are all around us here, but in a good way.  I’m just so sad here because of all the circumstances.  We all need to start over.  The kids love to come “home”, yet they still will not sleep in their room.  I understand and so we just continue to make a big pallet in the living room.  This is another reason why we need to move on.  We need a place that we can all be at peace together. 

Your picture hangs in front of me still, every day, every moment I am here I see your face smiling back at me.  You know how I wish it was you in person.  I miss you so much.  I am now having such a hard time with it.  I hate to cry, hate it, hate it.  You know I hold it all in and yet I hate that to.  There just isn’t much I can do either way to make things better.  Yet wait for the next day to come and the next and the next and wait for that one year mark so that I can look back and say one year has passed.  It is just a milestone to get me through, that’s all.

So many things to say and this is the best way I know how to do it.  I’ve been thinking about a blog……not sure I want everything in public view.  I don’t really think it matters anymore, who cares other than maybe there are others that just don’t know how to perceive the pain that comes from losing a child….again.  I only have 2 comforts at this point.  Knowing you are both together and knowing that you are with Christ.

You know that Audrey has been calling and texting me to check on me.  God bless her.  The friends die off after a while.  They just assume you are doing better and I just lie when they do call.  I don’t like for anyone else to feel sad.

Michelle has been a God send all the way around.  She keeps up with me in more ways than one and realizing I need to keep up with her more.  She helps to keep me focused and a swift kick in the rear when I need it, but you know I do the same for her.  The nagging feeling is gone so I suppose it was for me to call Michelle.   We seem to feed off of each other but in a good way.  I know we were led to be friends and stay connected all these years. For this one purpose if not for the future.  Send your peace her way, she needs a little of your “redneck” about now.

…Jeff came by a few days ago, I guess you know that.  I’m not sure what his full intentions were.  He talked to us for a while and your Dad had to go outside.  I know it was a bit rude but then again he just can’t take too much conversation over any of it.  Jeff wanted to go into your room.  I let him, but went with him.  He said he could “smell” you.  I know exactly what he meant.  Your “scent” is still in the room.  A beautiful, pleasing, soft scent.  I love walking in your room.

Just the first of many that I can say “I started.”

I love you.

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