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Just went over the bills.  Ummmm, not looking so good. Last month was slower than normal for a December in my business as a Scentsy Consultant.  I had to give up one show to stay with the dogs since all of our dog sitters were actually gone.  The team I manage isn’t doing as well as I expected we would for December and so the commission check came in…….”ouch!”   We will be living it lean this month. 

Which leads me to next month’s big show in Houston.  I’ve been running numbers and really do not see how I can make it.  We may have to take out of the husband’s business although I hate to do that.  I keep thinking it is time for me to find that part time job to bring up my side of the income and yet I’m so used to doing my own thing all of these years, it’s even harder to read job openings.  I just clench thinking I may have to go work for someone else.  I worked for the insurance company for over 14 years which was a telecommuting job.  More “tele” than commuting. Then quit and went full force into Scentsy managing my team, working my business, training and such.  It is an entirely different world than working 9-5.   But something has to give.  

We have plenty of items to sell out in the garage from picking up that storage unit to the rest of Munchkin’s items.  Yet we want to wait until Spring.  It will be a lot to get out and we need good weather to bring in the crowd.  (We were somewhat professionals at this for a few years). 

I guess the Lexapro is working because I’m not stressing too much over it. 

I am an entrepreneur at heart.  But with the economy the way it is, it doesn’t make that kind of lifestyle a rich living.  Chickens or feathers! Scentsy has been chickens all of these years, but some roller coasters must go down before they go back up.  I did manage to build my own website (yea).  This was something that was on my mind for over 2 years.  Munchkin just kept us so busy with her life that I never quite had the time.  It seems I finally “had the time.”  I need to learn more about the SEO and building links, it will come when I can get my interest back in it.  Right now, it was another step for me.  Each item you check off your list is a step!  Even if you have not finished it in it’s entirety, it is a step forward. 

It is harder without you.  Things we didn’t really think about before of course.  The dog thing was one.  You, Munchkin would always watch the dogs for us if we had to go away.  Now I have to drop them off to other people.  I hate doing that.  Daisy (our 17 year old Dachshund) is too old to be boarded.  But then again it was nice to just have the entire weekend to myself.  I really needed that. 

So, I give my thanks every day as to people, things, prayers that come my way.  I know we have been blessed with so much even though sometimes I fret over the small things or finance’s, I know we have been blessed.  How could we not be.  I am/was the mother of two very special girls.  These blessings will continue, I know they will.  It is not the end, but a new beginning.  Not one I know we thought would ever happen but it is what it is.  It is up to us how we see it through. 

My lights will shine as two stars twinkle in heaven.  So every time I see one, I will forever count it as a wink. 

Much love,

Mom.

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I finally did it, I GIVE!

11 months, 19 days and I finally gave in.  I went to the doctor today for a follow up of another nature and decided to ask for something to “take the edge off.”  I have never taken any kind of drug for anxiety or depression but the anxiety comes in waives.  It is all emotional, nothing serious and yet I’ve had it my entire life.  Did not even know what it was for 25 years of my life until I was at a doctor’s appointment many years ago and she asked if I ever got “anxious?”  I had to ask for an explanation……once she explained I had to say yes to every one of her descriptions.  I thought that was normal.

I have a thyroid problem (controlled-disorder) for practically my entire life.  It runs rampant in my family of females and I was the luckiest of them all by having it detain my life at the age of 5.  My goiter was growing and cutting off my air supply and keeping me from eating.  I was lucky enough to have one of mine surgically removed at five years old.  When I use the word luck you should know this is being sarcastic at best.  My parents had 2 other children at home.  My older sister who was 7 and my younger sister who was 3.  Both parents had full time jobs and here I was presenting a medical case not many had seen at my age.  So I was “lucky” enough to have a hospital stay that I remember vividly but not the length of time.  I know I was there the majority of the time by myself.  Strange how at the age of five I understood that my mother and father would be there when they could.  I know it probably worried my mother and father sick that I was there by myself but the hospital was over an hour’s drive from where we lived and now that I am older I understand how companies were back then on “taking time off.”

So, fast forward many years later to get back to the anxiety issue.  Anxiety seems to follow the medication you have to take when you have Thyroid disorders.  It is a part of it and I owned it out right and just learned how to deal with it.  For many, many years.  I did not want to take a drug for it.

This time, I gave in.  For a short time.  I am very thankful that the physician I see is more of a holistic doctor and will generally treat you in foods, over the counter items and such.  I do like that but she understands that it may not be the course of treatment in all cases.  ALTHOUGH, after reading part of the “indications and usage and side effects” will probably keep me from continuing the drug as in WHY I have stayed away from these.  In the  case of my daughter, it added to her death. Not that she overdosed on this, but that she was on one of these anti-anxiety drugs.  In my own defense of life and age.  I do not have the problems a 20 year old does as in drama, friends, new family and such.

Drug prescribed:  Lexapro (I believe Munchkin was also on this).  Heading on the MedGuide form that came with the prescription:

What is the most important information I should know about Lexapro?

1.  Suicidal thoughts or actions:

.Lexapro an other antidepressant medicines may increase suicidal thoughts or actions in some children, teenagers, or young adults within the first few months of treatment or when the dose is changed.  (side note:  I’m way past teenager, young adult so I am……safe from these suicidal thoughts?)

. Depression or other serious mental illnesses are the most important causes of suicidal thoughts or actions.

. Watch for these changes and CALL your healthcare provider right away if you notice:   New or sudden changes in mood, behavior, actions, thoughts, or feelings, especially if severe.   And there are more listed mainly about the suicidal and depressive mood changes.

(This all comes from me being a Medical Insurance Claims Specialist for 20 years).  I have examined enough medical claims in the past and trained to watch for drug abuse and just everything in general.  We had to read all operative reports, all related materials, etc., etc., so anytime I receive a new medication I am still in my training mode as to reading the forms that come with these.  It is now instilled in my nature.

SO, I will watch for these signs because myself, personally I just want to take the edge off of my “almost year” and get past my milestones and get my fully functioning brain back in order.  I was just reading over “Tersia Burger’s” post on her Year.   I know exactly what she meant when she noted the changes you go through in the first year.  Your thoughts are just not where they were, you try but you just do not have it in you to proceed to the fully functional capacity you were a year before that.  You are foggy, slow, your house is messier than usual and your life just seems to stand still at times.

It’s us who are standing still.  Everyone else is still going on and having wonderful days and looking forward to the future.  We are looking forward to the day our happiness returns.   Time.  Our worst enemy and in the long run, our best.

So, hopefully I can continue in what I have planned with this.  It has been rough to say the least.  I will have so many thoughts run through my head that I want to write down and blog and by the time I get here — POOF.

 

Long Journey

I can say that 11 months has passed since you left.  A very long 11 months.  So many things have happened and I know you’ve been with us.  I look for your guidance at times, both of you actually.  But I know your guidance here is not the same as to where you are.  I ask for guidance as to dealing with the pain.  To take it away.  To let me move on.  I know how but it is the hardest thing to do, is to move the pain away and let the guidance in.  

The pain is a mother’s way of wanting to stay connected.  To still know that our love is there, yet it is now a painful remembrance.  Not the love that we want but it is the only one we can feel.  To accept the guidance that I know you are telling me, is to look beyond the pain and feel the spirit.    For when I do that, I feel all the love and the comfort and can move in another direction.  The “love pain” keeps me from doing what I want, but it is out of guilt that I do that.   Guilt as in…….you leaving before us.   Part of me doesn’t want to move on. 

The kids give us that love whether they know it or not.  Just being here, playing and arguing and having fun.  They love the new place.  So do we.  It was like you picked it out for us.  It has play ground equipment on the North side to which Cason calls it “The Park.”  He loves playing out there with his sister and brother when we get all of them together.  It was late in September when we finally got all moved in and cleaned and painted the place.  It was a lot of work, but we are enjoying it.  I call it “Serenity.”  It is less acres than we had before but more than enough for us right now.  The large Pin Oak trees are everywhere.   Your dad wants me to put up curtains on the back doors yet I love that when you walk by all you see are the trees.  It is seclusion on one side and a busy road in the front, but the scenery takes away any noise that you hear.   I have many ideas as to what to do outside.  The playground needs some attention to make it safer for the baby.  I figure it will be a spring project and look forward to it.  

Next month is your one year.  I have looked forward to it as my passing, my marker.  Knowing one year has gone by without you in it will let me know I can make the coming years.  This month so far is bleak.  I have almost finished the Christmas shopping yet I cannot stand to hear the Christmas music.  I’m not ready to be that happy, that joyous of the season.  We will get the 2 older kids next week yet I still haven’t heard from the babies dad.  I had hoped it would not come to this.  I had hoped he had broken enough hearts on this side and we could all move on.  Yet, you know where we are and you know we actually expected it to happen.  He’s been good all year with letting us get the baby, and now at Christmas and a new girl friend it has came down to us being pushed to the side.  I would of worked and had hoped we would be able to work on some sort of relationship in the future.  These are things that GOD will take care of.  I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  His Christmas will stay there until we get him.  I had just hoped it would be all 3 together since the older 2 want him also.  Youth has it’s limits and it isn’t experience that you inherit.  That always comes in time. 

I plan on stepping forward soon.  I was waiting for all of my “first’s” to happen then I can step into where I’ve been called.  To help me is to help others.  I knew I had to experience and go through all of my first’s without you before I could manage all of my feelings and put them together.  I am tired of feeling down and depressed.  It is the rocky road we have to endure.  I am looking forward to help build a bridge for those that will need it.  I have to admit I’ve done most of it this year by myself, which isn’t good.  Michelle has been there for me a lot but most of it as you know is all personal gain.  We have to walk the path still on our own thoughts and our own days to get past the pain to be able to step into our new live’s without you. 

You are not gone, I know that.  Only your physical form as I know you are with me now and giving me inspiration because I have not once shed a tear while writing this.  Touche’.   Mark that down as an accomplishment! 

Life continually changes, life goes on.  

Love Mom. 

 

PS: I’m praying for our little Jaxson.  I know GOD is watching him…..but he has had a set back and he is so young.  Be with your cousin and give her your strength.  They need it now.  Lift him up to GOD and I pray GOD will heal him. 

 

Time is now

Today is the time to get started on your new future.  Only you can do it.

You cannot depend on someone else to make you happy, change your life or make you rich.   Only you.

So many, many people have so may afflictions in their lives that they (we) tend to make these our reality in life.  Our reality is “What you want NOW.”  Stop depending on something to change it.  Change it now.  Today.

I have gone back and forth for so many years looking and searching for “something,” never really understanding what it is that I was searching for but I knew and still know that it is right in front of me.  To “See” it has been the problem.  Or what I thought was.  IT is inside of me.  It is ME.   As I want you to see for your self.

In my own searching we have gone through many turmoil’s, life shattering situations that are like earth quakes that shake you to your core.   We have many wonderful, exhilarating life changes also.  And they continue.  Which one do I want to engulf my life with?  What do you think?

I choose “Exhilarating life changes.”  The ones that bring butterflies to your stomach in anticipation of tomorrow.  The one that makes your head spin in so much excitement that you are busting from your seams with Joy!  The ones that make you feel like you could just FLY with your arms wide open!   This is what I choose.   From this day forward.

You may ask how can I go from one side to the other.  Because I “choose” to see a broader picture of what is really HERE.  Not what is gone.  Nothing is really gone.  No one is really gone.

I now know what my searching was for because of the “feeling” I have to do this.  To put myself out there.  To you and everyone else.  It is like a child waiting for their parent to come and pick them up.  That feeling of such Love, Joy and anticipation that it is just bursting from you to get out.

My children will always and forever of my forever, be with me.  We simply leave our bodies but we go to the never-ending spiritual field of the universe.  Of God, and of Us.  We are always connected.

I’ve known this for so long yet the teachings and up bringing of the religion I had kept me from venturing past that fence.   It was like looking over  the fence but you’ve been taught you can’t go there.  The fence is your boundary.  You can think all you want but you cannot venture past that barrier.  That is your “safe zone.”  Bull crap!

I’ve jumped the fence and I’m running into the future.   And it feels wonderful!

Let me add one thing before I get to far also.  I’m not down playing religion.  When you are sitting in church and you are singing praise and you are hearing the “word” that the preacher is speaking that day and you “Feel” the spirit upon you.  THAT is IT!  That spirit is WITH you.  You do get that in your religious belief and worship.  But worship is so much more and shouldn’t be conveyed into a “barrier” to keep you “in line.”  In Line STINKS!  You should be able to feel that JOY and happiness without any barriers that puts “Fear” into your heart.   Show no Fear in your tomorrows.  Start Today!

There were so many passages that made me question so many things in our religious world.  To where now, they all make sense to me.  Because I know now it is “past teachings of those that wanted to control you the way their old beliefs were.”

If you were to read the full chapter of Matthew it will give you everything (I believe) you need to live today.   But you have to decipher 2,000 years ago The’s and Thy’s to really make sense of it.

How do you do this?  READ.  Everything that has been handed to me lately in book form ALL relate to the teachings of Matthew.  Even the latest books I am reading.  “The teachings of Abraham, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.”

All of you self-help books all relate to the teachings of Matthew.  You can go through 10 books of self-help and you will come out with the same thing all in different format but the same meaning.   I suggest “The books of Esther and Jerry Hicks.”

These books have given me so much more perspective and realization of WHO, WHAT, WHY and HOW than ever before.

Start Today!

If you have lost someone in your life.  First of all, stop thinking they are gone.  They are not.  Only their physical bodies have left us, we are all still Here.    Is it just those books that made me think this.  NO.  It is something inside me that has progressed me to this point.  They are not the only books and such I have come across.  But they are the ones that really pull everything together in a full account.  There are apparently quite an array of books they have written.  I have not read them all, only 2 so far.  I do not think I need all of them.  I search for more, but I let it come to me.

I am inspired of what my next steps in life are.  I am filled with Anticipation, Joy and Excitement because I believe that I have finally found where I am supposed to go.  I’ve put it off for so long but I’m finally on my way.

I’m here to help you.   Not just in helping you pass through your grief but to see and find your WHY of yourself.   Grief is our physical emotion of Loss.  And I Still have that part in me.  This is our LOVE and commitment for that person.  What a great gift.  Time can be either our nemesis or our awakening.

I have given enough time to the nemesis.  I’m on my way to a future that is on the other side of the fence!

The passage

Searching for answers and reason is a normal process in which we all must go through when we loose our children.  The reality is slow, yet it will come.  These first few posts are my way of dealing with some ongoing issues that I have and a release.  I will get through it, yet I will never get “over it.”  And never, ever use those words (get over it) to a person who has lost a child.  We “Get through it.”  Never do you get “over it.”  

Answers come in many formats.  The most common is having someone to talk to.  If you have a loved one, a friend, even just an acquaintance that has lost a child, please call them.  Even after so many months pass they still need a release.  It takes about a year to get passed the “open wound” that we feel.  The best way to describe it to people who say “I cannot imagine what you are going through” is to imagine part of your Soul gone.  It is such a deep, intense pain that feels like part of your insides have just been ripped out yet you are physically intact.  

When people say “I don’t know what to do.”  You lend an ear.  This is what they need.  Help keep them busy.  Idle minds is what we revert to and when we are idle we have nothing better to do than to think of what we no longer have. 

Send them letters or even a card months after just letting them know you are still thinking about them.  We believe our best passage is to not talk about it.  It is and it isn’t.  We have to move on, yet we feel guilty doing so because we are still here. 

Searching will come in forms of books.  I, myself cannot buy one that tells you how to “deal with loosing a child.”  I look more into the spiritual books.  I look to be closer to my children whom are in “different forms now.”  

They will question God and Why.  This is normal, but will pass in time.  God is what gets us through.  Our answers are not what we have been brought up to believe.  We question God because we cannot believe a child can be taken from us.  YET, the age doesn’t have any measure in our existence here.  I believe our “task” is done.  Completed.  We all come from God and we go home to God.  That is our ultimate reason for making our life here.  To go home and be with God.  

When our children make it there before we do.  Then you were blessed with souls who’s tasks here were short. We must endure because we still have many things to learn.  

Having faith will rest the fear. 

 

Time

Today is May 21st.  Four months from the date you left.

Today I will get Wittly.  We haven’t seen him in over a month and we really want to spend some time with him.  I know he will wonder where Cason and Leah are and I had thought about waiting until next weekend when we will have them here.  But we miss him so much and just want to spend a couple of days with him.

Today is also a passage.  Today marks 4 months that you left and yet it is the first day in the new life of so many others.  Oklahoma was just hit by a massive tornado killing over 20 children.   I have and keep thinking of those parents.  What they have to go through.   It is such a long road that is forgotten by so many around you.  The first few days and months are the hardest.

As of now I still wait for you to walk through the back door or for my phone to ring and it is you.  I know Dad is the same way.  We continue to wait for you to come home.

We still have such a hard, hard time even speaking your name.  I do okay in speaking with others as long as I can change the conversation quickly.  I can’t say your name or talk about you without being emotional.  As long as I don’t speak out loud than I can manage.   These parents are just starting.  I know how they feel from loosing Lindy at 3 and now you at 30.

That reminds me, I need to check with Michelle about what you wanted me to remember.  You said the “number 3”.  That first day Michelle called me she also said that you were telling her something about “the number 3” but she didn’t know either what you meant.  Mainly because you were telling her so many things to relay to me that she was having a hard time keeping up with you.  I pictured you doing this in my head.  It was so you!

God Bless all the parents in Moore, Oklahoma today and tomorrow and for many, many days to come.  He will carry them.  This I can tell you by faith and experience.  You will not know it but he really is carrying your pain.

You are constantly on my mind.  Every tiny thought before I close my eyes at night and the first thought when I open them again.

It will get better.

Munchkin

Munchkin

The lovely Munchkin.

Mel just turned 30 on the 2nd of January and passed away on the 21st.  My blog has to do with my Mel but I promise it will not be a memorial of sorts.  Her death was early and unnecessary.  She left behind 3 children, me and her father plus many family members.  Her adult life was troubled with one thing in general, Love.  She did not inspire a great career or to make her mark on the world, she only inspired to be loved and have a home and family.  She thought she accomplished that until her world fell apart in 2012.  Her spirit was destroyed, her family, everything she had thought she wanted was not what it seemed.   Love is in the “eye” of the beholder and those around that choose to believe.   Mel was our 2nd child.  Born after we lost our 1st.  I called her my miracle child because I could not have any more children and she was “made” and born at just the right time.  She was truly a miracle child that has gone home.

Little do you know what power the title holds over you.  This is such a powerful statement to wake up, through out the day and last thought for the night that it can and will completely change your life and your entire profile.  

Sometimes even I forget it when I get busy but when I remember it and put it back in my thought process through out the day it changes every aspect of who I am perceived and how I perceive those around me. 

If you are walking and waking without a lifeline, I’ll lend you mine.  This is your life “on a cloud.”  It will pull you up and it will strengthen you.  To me the most powerful verse the bible has and what seems most inspirational speeches, scripts and teachings all come down to.

In the last few months and for the days to follow this is my lifeline. 

I’ll tell you soon enough about our “Melissa.”  A beautiful person who would give her last cent to help someone else and yet couldn’t help herself out of her own pain. 

 

 

Melissa, it’s going on 4 months now and you are constantly on my mind.  I’m not sure if it is just because Mother’s Day is 4 days from now or what.  But it is a nagging feeling just encompassing me day and night.

The days just pass by so quickly.  It just doesn’t seem like I have enough time in the day to accomplish much of anything.  I still need to get the kids room cleaned up, get their clothes sorted and take some up to the store.  We still need a date for a yard sale.  All of your things are still in the shop.  And I want to move.  You know I need to move.   For our sake and the kids.  You are all around us here, but in a good way.  I’m just so sad here because of all the circumstances.  We all need to start over.  The kids love to come “home”, yet they still will not sleep in their room.  I understand and so we just continue to make a big pallet in the living room.  This is another reason why we need to move on.  We need a place that we can all be at peace together. 

Your picture hangs in front of me still, every day, every moment I am here I see your face smiling back at me.  You know how I wish it was you in person.  I miss you so much.  I am now having such a hard time with it.  I hate to cry, hate it, hate it.  You know I hold it all in and yet I hate that to.  There just isn’t much I can do either way to make things better.  Yet wait for the next day to come and the next and the next and wait for that one year mark so that I can look back and say one year has passed.  It is just a milestone to get me through, that’s all.

So many things to say and this is the best way I know how to do it.  I’ve been thinking about a blog……not sure I want everything in public view.  I don’t really think it matters anymore, who cares other than maybe there are others that just don’t know how to perceive the pain that comes from losing a child….again.  I only have 2 comforts at this point.  Knowing you are both together and knowing that you are with Christ.

You know that Audrey has been calling and texting me to check on me.  God bless her.  The friends die off after a while.  They just assume you are doing better and I just lie when they do call.  I don’t like for anyone else to feel sad.

Michelle has been a God send all the way around.  She keeps up with me in more ways than one and realizing I need to keep up with her more.  She helps to keep me focused and a swift kick in the rear when I need it, but you know I do the same for her.  The nagging feeling is gone so I suppose it was for me to call Michelle.   We seem to feed off of each other but in a good way.  I know we were led to be friends and stay connected all these years. For this one purpose if not for the future.  Send your peace her way, she needs a little of your “redneck” about now.

…Jeff came by a few days ago, I guess you know that.  I’m not sure what his full intentions were.  He talked to us for a while and your Dad had to go outside.  I know it was a bit rude but then again he just can’t take too much conversation over any of it.  Jeff wanted to go into your room.  I let him, but went with him.  He said he could “smell” you.  I know exactly what he meant.  Your “scent” is still in the room.  A beautiful, pleasing, soft scent.  I love walking in your room.

Just the first of many that I can say “I started.”

I love you.

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