Category: Starting Over


This has got to be a roller coaster and I am ready to get off.

Munchkin…….was it an accident? They say it is still under investigation. I am still in shock and it was 2 weeks ago. Did you great him in heaven?

I hate it when you get a phone call and the person on the other line asks you to “sit down.” You know it is not great news. Of course it was “here-say” at this point, but she asked if I had heard about our youngest grandson’s father being shot and killed the night before? Your husband.

“No,” I said. I haven’t heard from anyone, what happened. I got her version of the story and told her I would make the phone call. If it was true or not they would talk to me. He was (is) our grandson’s father. I had to pull myself together at the moment, I was actually shaking. While this was being told to me my mother in law and oldest grandson were standing in front of me and I had been reiterating the story to them and had Case go get his Papa and tell him what I had just heard.

After I hung up we were all in a state of shock at this news. We (me and your husband) were not on the same page in life since you passed away, but I never wanted this or any death to come to him. I had actually just spoke with him 2 weeks earlier and I had told him that I hoped in the future he gets remarried so Witt can have a mom. One that could love him as much as you did. He is only 4 and so loveable now, he could still bond with someone and that was all I wanted. I did not want him raised by just us grand parents.

His life was just coming together after 3  years of your passing.  His had just received his settlement from the accident and quit working and took Witt full-time.  I did not ask the final total but he just said he did not have to work anymore and he could finally be a full-time dad to Witt.  So even though I was a bit envious of that news (because you were a part of it all and you would have been well taken care of, financially at this point IF you both were even still together).  But it was what you were helping him with and taking care of him.   All of these moments were running through my head when I pulled up his mom’s name on my phone.  I decided to just send a quick text, “I just heard some very disturbing news about “C.”  Is it true?

……………………..and then my phone rang.  It was her.

“Yes,” she said.  “C” is gone.  He was shot in the side and they could not save him.  I just sat there in silence and let her tell me everything.  Going more and more into shock and disbelief.  He may have been shot by his girl friend, yet she was saying he committed suicide.   I have to admit I do not believe he committed suicide.  He just came into a lot of money, his life was coming together, he didn’t have to work.  He could do what he wanted and was even coaching Witt’s T-ball team.  He was finally gaining some happiness.  I don’t think I can accept the notion of him shooting his self.  Yet which ever way this turns out there is still one little person who no longer has any parents.

My heart was breaking for my little Witt.  He is only 4.  I knew he would never know or remember anything about you Munchkin, but now not even his father.  He will have no memories what so ever of either of you.

I went to church the next day and took Case with me.  Now that he is living with us I am going to make sure he goes to church.  I was being pulled so much to stop by their house and see Witt.  I just needed to be with him.  Case did not want to go.  I told him he did not have a choice.  He could stay in the truck, but I had to be with Witt.

They were not expecting us when we arrived, only Rus (“C,s” dad) and a friend were outside standing in front of an old boat that was gathering weeds on the side of the house. He told me Witt was with someone who went to the pharmacy to run off some pictures and would be right back and that Rhoda was inside. I saw tears in his eyes and told him how sorry I was.  He just slowly shook his head in understanding and introduced me to his friend.   I decided to go in and Rhoda just grabbed me and hugged me and we grieved together.  For our children were now both gone.

Like I said, this family was not at the top of my list as friends, but we were connected by our grandson and our concerns were the same for him.  Here we were united.   While we spoke for a while, Witt came home and was so happy to see me.  I hugged him up and gave him Meme kisses and it made him excited, I then told him that his big brother was out in the truck and he could go see him also.  He wanted to know if he could come home with us.   Holding back tears because it is all I wanted to do.  To get him away from sadness and despair that was to come, yet I told him maybe not right now.   To just go see brother for a bit.  He was happy and jumped down out of my lap and ran outside calling his brother’s name.   We spoke for a bit until I knew I needed to leave.  They were having to go up to the funeral home and make arrangements, so I did end up taking Witt home for a few hours until they were done.

I can not believe how twisted this life is.  We took our oldest grandson in because of him just not getting along with his father and step mother and other issues.  It was only six weeks of  school left and not the best of times to switch schools but we all discussed this and believed it was the best.  Case is happier here but we did have to have a “come to Jesus” meeting.  Basically telling him me and his Papa are not as young as we were and we do not have it in us to raise another child.  I told him what I expected out of him and if he could be responsible enough to up hold these things and be a hundred percent part of this house hold then we would all get along on a full-time basis.  Coming to visit us once or twice a month was one thing, living here was going to be totally different.  So now with us having him full-time, and then hearing about Witt, it seemed life was beginning to churn again.

I guess I could have fore seen something happening by the feelings of being drawn back to church for the past few months.  I had been having such a strong pull to have more faith full people around me. I do not know how to explain it but of a spiritual nature was calling me.  I now see it as preparing me for what was coming.  Kind of a re-charge.

God works in mysterious and silent waves through out our lives.  Here I am again.  But I am strong in faith.

Two weeks have passed and Rhoda still says they have not released their findings on “C’s” death.  She of course believes it was not suicide……………..although I also know someone from the “girlfriends” side and have heard other things….. This should get even more interesting.

 

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10334383_10205464598327335_6021940979091616663_n BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY REQUIRES you to dust off the “Sunday Special” and get your booty on the bike!

It is time to join…………………….in……………everywhere………………….everything!

5 miles today is what I put in although I am not afraid to admit that I did walk the bike on the way back when I came to the inclines.  BUT, today was my 1st day back on the Sunday Special in 2 years so I think that is allowed.

I feel wonderful.  I am back in church in between shows, and when I am at a show our promoters are good enough to have a 15 minute devotional on Sunday mornings and instead of me “eyeing” these from afar, I have joined these…………. I am in love again.

With my spiritual side.  It is time to live again.

Today I put my earphones in and listened to Pandora’s Inspirational Pop Rock and it really was wonderful!  The temperature is about 70 degrees F, the bike is old fashioned and I LOVE IT and I took my back road ride past some amazing homes and land with horses and cows and trees littering the pastures and creeks over full from the past spring rains.  Past the chicken farm that going my way is a bit on the scenic side, but if you go down the dirt road you have to hold your breath when you go past the killing zone.  (IT has to be the killing zone because it reeks and you have to hold your breath), the only time I take that route is when I am riding my mule (for those city people, it is a utility vehicle), and my grandson is on his 4-wheeler, because we can drive past this to get to the dirt back roads that we can ride and ride and get lost (but with GPS).

Me in my comfortable mule and him on his 4-wheeler and can do donuts and act like a 13 year old and stir up dust and go fast and navigate me while I stay back out of his dust…..

We are both of the same blood when it comes to exploring.  I LOVE TO EXPLORE!  Give me a dilapidated old farm house and I am in 7th heaven.

My grandson is the same as I.  He loves to explore with me.  He is also his mom made over.  My husband was always the one that was pulling us back with, “watch out for snakes”. (Okay, we will), and watch out for nails (Okay, we will) and on we trudged.  We just were curious and enormously intrigued with the past.   Today is today, I did what I wanted to do.

SO — What is the message today?

Well…………………………..you tell me.

Source: Creativity: The Joy of Beauty and Transformation

Munchkin,

Time has moved and life has opened up a little more. I look back over the last 2-3 years and I can see where I was and where I am.  You have had a lot to do with that, I know by coming into my dreams so much and giving me a “normal balance” so to speak.  It has helped me tremendously and I do not and have not felt so far apart from you.

Time does heal.  I knew this from when Lindy passed on.  But then I had you to help me, and I know have just me.   Dad works all the time, still.  But that is his way.  And when I go back over the last 33 years and I mark the differences in how we are now and how we went through it with Lindy — it is all in age.  Just an age difference.  Thirty-three years is a big difference in how you handle it, but only in maturity.  We had such a hard time being as young as we were when Lindy left that it was pure turmoil between us and we separated for almost 2 years.  It was such a tug and pull between us.  We wanted to be together but couldn’t.  As time passed, it all came together.  We loved each other.  That was it.  Now 33 years later and you being 30 when you passed is not really any different.  We will not separate, I know that.  But he will work to keep his mind off of the “feelings.”  I also understand that.  I have finally pulled myself up and got a part time job in subbing for the local school.  I like it. (GO FIGURE!!) Really, I never thought I could do it.  Although I have found I like Middle and High schoolers better.  Even though I adore the younger children, you really have to be attentive the whole time.  But, the best thing about it all, is I have moved on and it makes me happy to be around the children.

The grand children, well, that is a whole new story we are now moving into dear.   C, the oldest, just turned thirteen and hormones are really kicking him in the butt.  He also has a bit of a rage side to him.  I talked to him a bit last time he was here.  I can’t help how much I love him.  I am sure all Grand parents are the same.  My love for these kids is unbelievable and at this point my 1st little man, is slowly becoming a man.  He thinks he is the only one, BUT he has the added psychological disadvantage of “missing his mom.”  A broken heart during a time he could use her hugs, and her laughs, and her love..

He made a comment to me, that “he wished she didn’t die; because things would be different and he would still be living with her.”  I laughed when he told me this, because I said “you think it would be, huh?”  You may be arguing with you dad and Tiff a lot now, but you would be doing the same thing with you mom!   The only thing that would have been different is she would not of taken any crap from you (if she thought it was from him). She took up for her kids, all the time.  But she also didn’t like her kids being undisciplined and I told him, you know she would have (Excuse my slang), “Slapped the crap out of you.”   He said no, she would have understood…     NO, she would have put you in your place!  Mel had a very stubborn side, and if it was out of step, she stepped up!   You see “C” would be eye to eye to her now because he is to me and we were the same height.  I know my Mel.  She would have had “C” act and do as a young man, and take up for him, but not take any disrespect.

But enough of that.

We are getting better my dear.

So many things have passed and instead of trying to get so spiritually deep, I have moved on to becoming just connected.  It works best.

So, If i were to offer one word of wisdom to newcomers.  Time.  Just Time.  Time does heal a broken heart.  It is slow in mending, but it does come to pass.

Looking also into updating the blog.  Need to figure on what?

Reading up on some things so we will see.

Much love,

Mom.

Time is the enemy and the redeemer.  The more time that goes by after you are gone, the lesser the evil of the pain that sets in, yet it creates an entirely new calendar to which you are no longer a part of.

I’m learning to live without you, yet I still see you in everything.  Does that make sense?  I can now say your name without breaking into a trembling voice and tears running down my face.  I can smile more now when I talk about you in the past.   But when I look into the future and know that you will no longer be a piece of that, I stop.  One more obstacle to overcome and I’m sure that time will eventually take care of that as well.

I’ve learned a lot more since you’ve been gone.  I am trying to learn ME.  All of these years I was MOM.  Now I am ME.   Finding that person is harder than I would of imagined.  I need work.  More work than what I am doing right now.  It just isn’t enough.  I find I enjoy having my head into something interesting and complicated and tiresome.  Right now as you can tell, life is slow and I need it to speed up.   I have faith that something will come  my way.  Michelle wants me to learn how to be a “life coach.”  She said I already have it in me.  I can tell you are smiling and pushing me also.  I am just not sure if I have the ability to offer that now.  Stepping over my own obstacles and helping your Dad get there has been hard enough.

The kids are wonderful.  They are growing and more than I would expected at this point.  I think Steven had a rough time getting through their 2nd year at Mother’s Day without you.   I was checking in on their grades and such and he had said they had a hard weekend.  It was Mother’s Day weekend.  I have faith though in him and Tiffany.  She seems to be very good with them.  They are almost as close as we can get to having children again.  It is still a bit extended but Steven has been good about keeping us up on the kids and letting us have them when we can.

The blog here has still not taken shape as to what I intended it to be.  The spiritual side hasn’t quite taken shape to show others that their really isn’t death to overcome because you are now more among the living than we are.  I believe it is because I am still learning and growing into this.

One’s achievement lies within.  To achieve our best is to first achieve and overcome our worst.  Burying it inside is not the answer.  It is to face it head on, hold no fear, grab a hold of it and overcome it.

I have faith!

Much love.

Mom.

 

May 6th, 2014.

via May 6th, 2014.

Our challenges are still like a mountain. The in depth pain of loosing my Munchkin was and still just seems like a dream. I keep wanting to just wake up and it was all a bad dream. A long, bad dream.

But it isn’t. I know it is reality and so I get up every day, put on a smile and go to work. I have to say I am thankful and blessed that I can still work at home, but my career involves me motivating people, training them and talking to my own customers. Try being the “perky person” during a season of emotional devastation. All I can say here is I have some really good friends!

Enough of that. I have made it, I am stronger and I will survive it!

How did I do it?

By seeing her in that one dream really touched me, internally. I felt a glimpse of the peace she was in. Unimaginable peace and the true definition of what God is.  I have never in my life ever had that kind of “feeling” like I did in my dream, and when I awoke.   I can still close my eyes and put myself back in that dream and feel those moments.  That is why it is so strange to speak of it, because I was not the same person as I am here.   Here I have the stress of daily life in my dream, there was no such thing.  Total peace.

It really boils down to Positive brings Positive and Negative brings Negative. Positive is Christ and all that he is and all that he offers.

One of my really good friends put it to me this way. “It isn’t meant that we are NOT to have,” because it is written that all you have to do is “Ask and it shall be.” It doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve something, it just means that what you are asking for is sometimes NOT what is meant to be for you! That if you put all of your faith in Christ and trust that faith, that Christ will lead your life into the right direction. We may call it “rewards,” but I would rather see it as positive attracting positive.

When we try to lead our own lives is where we get into trouble. Some times the path’s we are wanting to take do not have the best outcomes and yet we will fight our way to get it. When so many obstacles stand in our way, we try to see those as adversity and IF we try to overcome it, we will get what we want.

But IF you look at WHY those obstacles are in front of you to begin with…….you might come to realize that it  is Christ trying to steer you clear of what IS not meant for you! That it will only bring you unhappiness and emotional or physical trauma. IF you were to view those obstacles that were set in front of you as “a sign,” possibly one you were asking for but blind because it was not what YOU wanted, your life would of went on to a more positive path!

All of this is hard. It is hard to see what is right in front of our eyes. Because we are greedy in wanting certain things. But if we listened to our hearts and our own “inner feelings” we would come out way ahead.

I am guilty of this. But I like to FEEL the goodness that is upon and bestowed upon me every single day. When I do that, I feel wonderful! When I let the emotions try to take over, or my worries then I stress and get sad and burdened. Letting go of this and trusting that it will all be taken care of will lift your spirit to new heights, new beginnings and new wonderment into your own life.

I say this because I am guilty of it, but also because it lead to my Munchkin fighting for what she wanted or thought she wanted. When she stood on her own two feet and dug her heels in and put her faith and believe back in Christ, she glowed! Wonderful things came her way. When she tried to go back to what led her to the misery, she perished.

It is a daily, physical and emotional devotion so to speak, to hold your head up high, get up and smile and move forward. Trust in the “positive” because that is where you are at your best!

Much love.

A Walk Into My New Future

ImageI have to admit I am feeling a little better every day.  This month will mark one year since Munchkin went Home.  Menopause is kicking me in the butt at times with 3:30 awakenings but the Lexapro seems to kick in a little better now so my days are not so despairing as they were. 

I have gone “without” any type of medications all year because I believed I could handle this. I’m here to tell you, a little bit will help tremendously. I look back and now wish I would of asked for it earlier. So much weight has been taken off of my soul.  I can breathe with ease and look forward to my days instead of looking into disappointment. 

Today, I plan on cleaning up some things here in my office.  I have a big show coming up in a few weeks and really need to prepare for it.  I need to get some ideas together for my Team of Scentsy-ites and just get organized.  

I can see the daylight from the fog and with that I will take full advantage of what life is.  I have all of my curtains open and letting the sun shine through the house which gives me great pleasure.  

My motivation is in check and we have a big training coming up so I am glad I am ready to step up to the plate and go back to bringing in a future to all of my ladies. 

I am a leader and a consultant for Scentsy, yet with that brings me to be a motivator an inspirator and a leader.  This last year has been the worst to try and be “happy, happy, happy!”   Yet I can say my team really stepped up and took over on their own.  Some true leaders popped out and took the reigns and did things for me so I wouldn’t have to think about them.  Which I didn’t!  

Your mind goes blank, and foggy.  Your mood is poor at best and just getting through a day is an emotional task in itself.  But my Scentsy family is an amazing pool of not just consultants but friends.   And now it is my turn to give back what I am here for.  We have a home office tour training coming up and with that I have bought some balls and Pop Rocks to send out to those that have registered and are attending.  It is a fun thing and I wanted to kick it off by sending something fun to them in the mail.   Something I couldn’t even think about doing in the last few months..  

Now I can.  

Your time will come.  Life is there waiting for you.  Take it one step, one day at a time.  Get some kind of medication if you haven’t already.  It does help.  In this situation a small amount can help you see some day light.  But live. 

I’m ready.

I had responded to a post on Tersia Burger’s blog and I started to get into the story of how I met Michelle and my spiritual awakening.  So today I wanted to tell my story of the “Butterflies.”

Even though we have recently lost our 2nd daughter, Munchkin, my 1st Angel in Heaven passed away 30 years ago at the tender age of 3 1/2.  I was very young and pregnant with Munchkin.  A very trying time but as the years passed and we had Munchkin to raise, life got easier and time let us live.

It never leaves you, the empty feeling, but you can learn where to place it so that you can go on.

I’m not exactly sure how long ago it was that I met Michelle but it was at least 5 years ago that I can say for sure.  My sister had called me about this lady she met at her tanning station.  She was a “reader/intuitive” and was going to do a gallery reading with her in-laws and wanted to know if I would go to make up the 6th person that they needed.  I was intrigued and so I agreed.  What could it hurt (not that I believed in it 100%) but thought it would be fun.

I met my sister at her house and on our way to the reading I was telling her about all of these “Butterflies” that were appearing around me and my husband.  I do not remember exactly what time of year it was, summer perhaps because I know we would be sitting out side and these butterflies would just appear and not just flutter by us but land on us, and stay.  You could not get rid of them.   I remember how uncanny it was to watch my husband mow the yard and this one yellow butterfly landed on his hat and stayed there the entire time he was mowing.  I was intrigued because of all the noise and vibration and moving around he was doing you would of thought the butterfly  would of fluttered away and yet it stayed with him the entire time.

I remember another day during this time I was sitting outside under the awning and a small, yellow butterfly flew all around me and then landed right in front of me, and stayed, and then another and another and one more!

Four yellow butterflies all landed at my feet.  I commented to my daughter Lindy that I knew that was her!  I talked to her a few minutes just telling her how I appreciated the butterflies and knowing that she was still around us.

So right before we went in I told my sister, “if this lady is for real then she will mention Butterflies” and then we will know for sure that it is Lindy and Lindy is coming through.

As soon as we walked in the door I remember Michelle just “eyeing” me and following me with her eyes.  “Great,” I thought, she can already see right through me and I am going to die!

We started to take our seats and Michelle looked directly at me and pointed to me, “You are O.C.D.,” aren’t you?

I laughed and commented that “Yes, I believe I am “Obsessive, CONTROLLING, Disorder,” I will admit to that, but not COMPULSIVE.”  We all laughed and she agreed that she was also!

The session started and she even started with me.  Needless to say we were all intrigued.  The things she pointed on all made sense and I could relate to yet she hadn’t mentioned anything about Lindy.

I was the note taker after that and wrote down the conversations she had on the others (because you do tend to forget afterwards) you are so consumed in every word you forget what was actually said.   The evening progressed and soon we were all finished and everyone started to leave, except me and my sister.

I pulled out one of the last picture’s I had of Lindy and asked Michelle if she could tell me anything about my daughter.   She motioned for us both to sit back down while she looked over the picture and rubbed it gently.

“She’s right here sitting beside me.”  She is actually with you all the time.

“You can hold out your hand and she will put her hand in yours.”  A moment I will never forget.  Not that I felt her, but it was a moment for me.

Michelle then asked me:  “What’s with all the Butterflies?”

My sister grabbed my hand and was just weeping tears of joy as was I!

She is there, here with us.  Right in front of me and she is really with us all the time.

I have not lost her completely, I just can no longer see her or feel her.   She is here, always.

I do not remember much more of the reading.  That was my awakening.  That was my beginning!

Michelle had also confided in us that she herself had lost a young son many years ago also.  We are close in age (I, a little further south than she is), but our lives seemed to intertwine in some ways.  We could relate to the loss of a child.  Something I rarely had come across.  We talked some as to how we both had experienced the non-help there was during our times of grieve.  The counseling was not exactly what fit either of us and neither of us continued and just found our own ways of dealing with it.   “Close it up,” and move on.   Not the best move but the most accepted.

Through the years we became friends.  I no longer needed a reading after that.  I found out all I wanted to know.  I found my daughter.  I do not need to know about my future, it will happen regardless and I will live it (correction, have lived it) as in loosing our Munchkin.   Michelle was right there beside me and has stayed beside me now the entire time helping me in getting past the pain.  Her spiritual side is a blessing, her nurturing and understanding of what it is like to also loose a child has helped me beyond measure.

She knows when to check in on me (or I could say one of my Munchkins is telling her to).  Uncanny!  Just two weeks ago she called me and asked if I was doing the “What If’s.”  You may know what I mean……. what IF I had done this, what IF I had done that…..the guilt trip!   She said “Munchkin says to stop it.”   There are no What IF’s!  You could not of done anything to prevent it.

I cried for a bit while she consoled me and made me realize it was the Mom Factor.  We do this all of our lives.  We love.

Michelle has grown as an intuitive since the first time I saw her.  She has moved a couple of hours away but we still stay in contact almost weekly.  She has advanced in her gift and has a good client base now.  She also knows when someone needs her and has a special place for moms who are in need of connection.

So watch for the little things you might take for granted.  Someone may be sending you a “hello!”

Birthday’s in Heaven

January 2nd was one day on my list that I wasn’t looking forward to.  Yet I did.  January 2nd would of been your 31st birthday here with us.  I chose not to wish you a Happy Birthday.  What was happy about it, you are no longer here to celebrate.

Do not get me wrong, we (my sisters and I and the grand children) decided to do something different.  We celebrated your life.  Kind of like a birthday, but my sisters knew how I felt.  It was also the first time the 2 oldest have been to your grave site.  Since we had the memorial and not the burial for a few weeks later their dad decided it was best to let them continue to heal and not reset their pain back then.  I had to agree.  They are young and at that age of not knowing full well how to deal with these emotions and he has done a great job getting you two through this.  So I called him ahead of time and asked his opinion about taking them and he said yes.  He thought they could handle it.  Since we are at almost a year since you’ve been gone.  They did great.

It was a cold, cold day as it was when you were born.  But that is January for you.  I know you were smiling at us there.   I, of course was the strong one out of everyone.  It was more locked inside and the children were there (Cason telling me I’d better not cry), so I didn’t (much).  It was beautiful.  I took these pictures and it came out like a picture from heaven.  So bless you for being there with us and we all made it through.

 

Much love,

Mom.1524846_10200900083737323_815202017_n 1486907_10200900085697372_1914446714_n

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