I find the title to be of great comfort.  Afterlife has a remarkable meaning but one I am still trying to adjust to.  Most people only see what is in front of their face, yet there is so much more to life than what you see or can see.  My life is normal, yet complicated. Afterlife is a wonderful place where Christ reigns with us.  Here we are always searching for some sort of peace, love and happiness.  Yet I believe this is what we left when we were born and search endlessly for it while we are here, living.

But what most do not see is that it is right in front of us.  Everything is right in front of us.  Yet we choose to feel and grasp the pain and create so much turmoil that we loose site of the greatness that is holding our hand through life.  We don’t “feel’.  In doing this we loose site of “REAL” love, REAL life.

I deal with this because I choose to see the goodness in people, yet their are some that just send chill bumps through your body.  Run from those!  Your soul is telling you something.

I have a long time friend that helped me overcome the grief I had dealt with over the passing of our first child.  It was twenty years after the passing of our first child that I met her. She came into my life and we became friends for many years.   My friend is Intuitive.  She hates the word “psychic” and I can see why. She can’t read your mind.  As she puts it bluntly, she talks to dead people and she is authentic.  We have basically emailed over the last few years and spoken on the phone just a few times.  But our lives have so much in common that we have stayed friends and have blasted frustrations over the years over our children or inspired each other to do amazing things in our lives.

I didn’t call her after the passing of Munchkin, she called me.  She noticed a post on some of my families facebook pages tagging me about the passing of Munchkin.  She knew Munchkin very well.  She actually did a reading on her twice in the last 10 years.  She loved my Munchkin.  She put parts of my heart to rest when she called me.  It was the 3rd day after Munchkin was gone.  Two of my oldest and dearest friends were here and my mother in law when Michelle called.  I took the phone call into our other room so I could talk and hear her.  I was sitting on my love seat.  Our entertainment center was to the right of me with a large TV on top, the WII game system and a Purple vase sitting on the corner.  In front of me was our couch, a coffee table and a blue laundry basket my mother in law was working on when my friends came over and she just left it there.  I was trying to be strong during our initial phone call, yet falling apart.  Michelle knew more than anybody around me.  Munchkin was talking to her.

“Blue and purple”, blue and purple Michelle said.  Munchkin is telling me to tell you “Blue and Purple Mom!”   I sat their with dried tears in my eyes looking at our front door trying to gather my self and thoughts while Michelle was deciphering what Munchkin was telling her.  I look straight ahead and tell Michelle; “there is a blue laundry basket in front of me and a purple vase on the entertainment center.”   “THAT’S IT,” says Michelle, That’s it!  Munchkin says to tell you to look in the middle of those two things — she is jumping up and down saying “I’M HERE MOM, I’M RIGHT HERE!”

The love I feel every time I think about that moment is one of those precious moments I want to redo over and over.

I break down but in love and sadness at the same time.  And then Michelle says that “Munchkin” is telling her she is right beside me now, stroking my hair.   “Feel me Momma;” is what Michelle is relaying to me.  “I’m right here beside you.”

Michelle tells me to be calm for a moment and just be still.  At that moment I felt a strange sense of “tingling” running through my body, and told Michelle what I felt.  “Munchkin says that is her!”  She is right beside you, touching you.  She wants you to know she is with you and is telling me to tell you that she is okay.  She says “I’m happy now Momma, I’m not hurting anymore.”

She also wants me to tell you that she didn’t do it on purpose.  She didn’t take her life.  She didn’t intend to die.  She thought it would be okay and she would wake up the next day, but to tell you, it’s okay.  She is with Christ.

To us it is still death. We do not have the presence of the person to feel and touch and talk directly to.  To see their face, their expressions their actions, yet we are all still here.  Michelle says to stop thinking of it as death.  We are not dead, we just “change forms.”  We take on in a full capacity our spirit.

My heart is still heavy yet I take comfort knowing she is with me.

So, you see my quest for a blog is not purely a memorial site but one of investigation into her death more intently.  You may say, why don’t you just ask Munchkin since you can talk to her.  We have.  We know and that is my reason.   Munchkin was prescribed Morphine about 4 days right before her death.  The morphine contributed to her death.  WHY was she prescribed this drug?  I questioned her about it when I saw the prescription.  I told her not to fill it that it was too much of a drug for her.  I even pulled the drug up on the internet and printed it for her and showed her the part that states “death can occur from respiratory distress.”  Her husband was here also and made the comment “your mom is right, we don’t need to fill this.”  So genuine and yet they filled it.

She took it on Sunday along with a hydrocodone at some point, I don’t know when.  So many things lead up to that date that it is a whirl wind of activity.

UPDATE:

It has taken 4 months for us to get the toxicology and autopsy reports back.   Her death is classified as “undetermined”.  Yet, “Toxic effect of Morphine and hydrocodone.”   They cannot classify her death as intentional because there is not enough to show yet the combination was toxic.  Of course it would be, those two are both pain killers.  And or killers prescribed by physicians.

So now my last quest is to find out exactly how many did she actually take.  I really don’t need to know and yet it is my way of dealing with her final day here.   There was so much that happened in the last 4 days.  A whirl wind.  Another 2 deaths occurred just 4 days prior but not in drugs but in a fire.

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