Time is the enemy and the redeemer.  The more time that goes by after you are gone, the lesser the evil of the pain that sets in, yet it creates an entirely new calendar to which you are no longer a part of.

I’m learning to live without you, yet I still see you in everything.  Does that make sense?  I can now say your name without breaking into a trembling voice and tears running down my face.  I can smile more now when I talk about you in the past.   But when I look into the future and know that you will no longer be a piece of that, I stop.  One more obstacle to overcome and I’m sure that time will eventually take care of that as well.

I’ve learned a lot more since you’ve been gone.  I am trying to learn ME.  All of these years I was MOM.  Now I am ME.   Finding that person is harder than I would of imagined.  I need work.  More work than what I am doing right now.  It just isn’t enough.  I find I enjoy having my head into something interesting and complicated and tiresome.  Right now as you can tell, life is slow and I need it to speed up.   I have faith that something will come  my way.  Michelle wants me to learn how to be a “life coach.”  She said I already have it in me.  I can tell you are smiling and pushing me also.  I am just not sure if I have the ability to offer that now.  Stepping over my own obstacles and helping your Dad get there has been hard enough.

The kids are wonderful.  They are growing and more than I would expected at this point.  I think Steven had a rough time getting through their 2nd year at Mother’s Day without you.   I was checking in on their grades and such and he had said they had a hard weekend.  It was Mother’s Day weekend.  I have faith though in him and Tiffany.  She seems to be very good with them.  They are almost as close as we can get to having children again.  It is still a bit extended but Steven has been good about keeping us up on the kids and letting us have them when we can.

The blog here has still not taken shape as to what I intended it to be.  The spiritual side hasn’t quite taken shape to show others that their really isn’t death to overcome because you are now more among the living than we are.  I believe it is because I am still learning and growing into this.

One’s achievement lies within.  To achieve our best is to first achieve and overcome our worst.  Burying it inside is not the answer.  It is to face it head on, hold no fear, grab a hold of it and overcome it.

I have faith!

Much love.

Mom.

 

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