Archive for January, 2014


A Walk Into My New Future

ImageI have to admit I am feeling a little better every day.  This month will mark one year since Munchkin went Home.  Menopause is kicking me in the butt at times with 3:30 awakenings but the Lexapro seems to kick in a little better now so my days are not so despairing as they were. 

I have gone “without” any type of medications all year because I believed I could handle this. I’m here to tell you, a little bit will help tremendously. I look back and now wish I would of asked for it earlier. So much weight has been taken off of my soul.  I can breathe with ease and look forward to my days instead of looking into disappointment. 

Today, I plan on cleaning up some things here in my office.  I have a big show coming up in a few weeks and really need to prepare for it.  I need to get some ideas together for my Team of Scentsy-ites and just get organized.  

I can see the daylight from the fog and with that I will take full advantage of what life is.  I have all of my curtains open and letting the sun shine through the house which gives me great pleasure.  

My motivation is in check and we have a big training coming up so I am glad I am ready to step up to the plate and go back to bringing in a future to all of my ladies. 

I am a leader and a consultant for Scentsy, yet with that brings me to be a motivator an inspirator and a leader.  This last year has been the worst to try and be “happy, happy, happy!”   Yet I can say my team really stepped up and took over on their own.  Some true leaders popped out and took the reigns and did things for me so I wouldn’t have to think about them.  Which I didn’t!  

Your mind goes blank, and foggy.  Your mood is poor at best and just getting through a day is an emotional task in itself.  But my Scentsy family is an amazing pool of not just consultants but friends.   And now it is my turn to give back what I am here for.  We have a home office tour training coming up and with that I have bought some balls and Pop Rocks to send out to those that have registered and are attending.  It is a fun thing and I wanted to kick it off by sending something fun to them in the mail.   Something I couldn’t even think about doing in the last few months..  

Now I can.  

Your time will come.  Life is there waiting for you.  Take it one step, one day at a time.  Get some kind of medication if you haven’t already.  It does help.  In this situation a small amount can help you see some day light.  But live. 

I’m ready.

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I had responded to a post on Tersia Burger’s blog and I started to get into the story of how I met Michelle and my spiritual awakening.  So today I wanted to tell my story of the “Butterflies.”

Even though we have recently lost our 2nd daughter, Munchkin, my 1st Angel in Heaven passed away 30 years ago at the tender age of 3 1/2.  I was very young and pregnant with Munchkin.  A very trying time but as the years passed and we had Munchkin to raise, life got easier and time let us live.

It never leaves you, the empty feeling, but you can learn where to place it so that you can go on.

I’m not exactly sure how long ago it was that I met Michelle but it was at least 5 years ago that I can say for sure.  My sister had called me about this lady she met at her tanning station.  She was a “reader/intuitive” and was going to do a gallery reading with her in-laws and wanted to know if I would go to make up the 6th person that they needed.  I was intrigued and so I agreed.  What could it hurt (not that I believed in it 100%) but thought it would be fun.

I met my sister at her house and on our way to the reading I was telling her about all of these “Butterflies” that were appearing around me and my husband.  I do not remember exactly what time of year it was, summer perhaps because I know we would be sitting out side and these butterflies would just appear and not just flutter by us but land on us, and stay.  You could not get rid of them.   I remember how uncanny it was to watch my husband mow the yard and this one yellow butterfly landed on his hat and stayed there the entire time he was mowing.  I was intrigued because of all the noise and vibration and moving around he was doing you would of thought the butterfly  would of fluttered away and yet it stayed with him the entire time.

I remember another day during this time I was sitting outside under the awning and a small, yellow butterfly flew all around me and then landed right in front of me, and stayed, and then another and another and one more!

Four yellow butterflies all landed at my feet.  I commented to my daughter Lindy that I knew that was her!  I talked to her a few minutes just telling her how I appreciated the butterflies and knowing that she was still around us.

So right before we went in I told my sister, “if this lady is for real then she will mention Butterflies” and then we will know for sure that it is Lindy and Lindy is coming through.

As soon as we walked in the door I remember Michelle just “eyeing” me and following me with her eyes.  “Great,” I thought, she can already see right through me and I am going to die!

We started to take our seats and Michelle looked directly at me and pointed to me, “You are O.C.D.,” aren’t you?

I laughed and commented that “Yes, I believe I am “Obsessive, CONTROLLING, Disorder,” I will admit to that, but not COMPULSIVE.”  We all laughed and she agreed that she was also!

The session started and she even started with me.  Needless to say we were all intrigued.  The things she pointed on all made sense and I could relate to yet she hadn’t mentioned anything about Lindy.

I was the note taker after that and wrote down the conversations she had on the others (because you do tend to forget afterwards) you are so consumed in every word you forget what was actually said.   The evening progressed and soon we were all finished and everyone started to leave, except me and my sister.

I pulled out one of the last picture’s I had of Lindy and asked Michelle if she could tell me anything about my daughter.   She motioned for us both to sit back down while she looked over the picture and rubbed it gently.

“She’s right here sitting beside me.”  She is actually with you all the time.

“You can hold out your hand and she will put her hand in yours.”  A moment I will never forget.  Not that I felt her, but it was a moment for me.

Michelle then asked me:  “What’s with all the Butterflies?”

My sister grabbed my hand and was just weeping tears of joy as was I!

She is there, here with us.  Right in front of me and she is really with us all the time.

I have not lost her completely, I just can no longer see her or feel her.   She is here, always.

I do not remember much more of the reading.  That was my awakening.  That was my beginning!

Michelle had also confided in us that she herself had lost a young son many years ago also.  We are close in age (I, a little further south than she is), but our lives seemed to intertwine in some ways.  We could relate to the loss of a child.  Something I rarely had come across.  We talked some as to how we both had experienced the non-help there was during our times of grieve.  The counseling was not exactly what fit either of us and neither of us continued and just found our own ways of dealing with it.   “Close it up,” and move on.   Not the best move but the most accepted.

Through the years we became friends.  I no longer needed a reading after that.  I found out all I wanted to know.  I found my daughter.  I do not need to know about my future, it will happen regardless and I will live it (correction, have lived it) as in loosing our Munchkin.   Michelle was right there beside me and has stayed beside me now the entire time helping me in getting past the pain.  Her spiritual side is a blessing, her nurturing and understanding of what it is like to also loose a child has helped me beyond measure.

She knows when to check in on me (or I could say one of my Munchkins is telling her to).  Uncanny!  Just two weeks ago she called me and asked if I was doing the “What If’s.”  You may know what I mean……. what IF I had done this, what IF I had done that…..the guilt trip!   She said “Munchkin says to stop it.”   There are no What IF’s!  You could not of done anything to prevent it.

I cried for a bit while she consoled me and made me realize it was the Mom Factor.  We do this all of our lives.  We love.

Michelle has grown as an intuitive since the first time I saw her.  She has moved a couple of hours away but we still stay in contact almost weekly.  She has advanced in her gift and has a good client base now.  She also knows when someone needs her and has a special place for moms who are in need of connection.

So watch for the little things you might take for granted.  Someone may be sending you a “hello!”

Birthday’s in Heaven

January 2nd was one day on my list that I wasn’t looking forward to.  Yet I did.  January 2nd would of been your 31st birthday here with us.  I chose not to wish you a Happy Birthday.  What was happy about it, you are no longer here to celebrate.

Do not get me wrong, we (my sisters and I and the grand children) decided to do something different.  We celebrated your life.  Kind of like a birthday, but my sisters knew how I felt.  It was also the first time the 2 oldest have been to your grave site.  Since we had the memorial and not the burial for a few weeks later their dad decided it was best to let them continue to heal and not reset their pain back then.  I had to agree.  They are young and at that age of not knowing full well how to deal with these emotions and he has done a great job getting you two through this.  So I called him ahead of time and asked his opinion about taking them and he said yes.  He thought they could handle it.  Since we are at almost a year since you’ve been gone.  They did great.

It was a cold, cold day as it was when you were born.  But that is January for you.  I know you were smiling at us there.   I, of course was the strong one out of everyone.  It was more locked inside and the children were there (Cason telling me I’d better not cry), so I didn’t (much).  It was beautiful.  I took these pictures and it came out like a picture from heaven.  So bless you for being there with us and we all made it through.

 

Much love,

Mom.1524846_10200900083737323_815202017_n 1486907_10200900085697372_1914446714_n

Just went over the bills.  Ummmm, not looking so good. Last month was slower than normal for a December in my business as a Scentsy Consultant.  I had to give up one show to stay with the dogs since all of our dog sitters were actually gone.  The team I manage isn’t doing as well as I expected we would for December and so the commission check came in…….”ouch!”   We will be living it lean this month. 

Which leads me to next month’s big show in Houston.  I’ve been running numbers and really do not see how I can make it.  We may have to take out of the husband’s business although I hate to do that.  I keep thinking it is time for me to find that part time job to bring up my side of the income and yet I’m so used to doing my own thing all of these years, it’s even harder to read job openings.  I just clench thinking I may have to go work for someone else.  I worked for the insurance company for over 14 years which was a telecommuting job.  More “tele” than commuting. Then quit and went full force into Scentsy managing my team, working my business, training and such.  It is an entirely different world than working 9-5.   But something has to give.  

We have plenty of items to sell out in the garage from picking up that storage unit to the rest of Munchkin’s items.  Yet we want to wait until Spring.  It will be a lot to get out and we need good weather to bring in the crowd.  (We were somewhat professionals at this for a few years). 

I guess the Lexapro is working because I’m not stressing too much over it. 

I am an entrepreneur at heart.  But with the economy the way it is, it doesn’t make that kind of lifestyle a rich living.  Chickens or feathers! Scentsy has been chickens all of these years, but some roller coasters must go down before they go back up.  I did manage to build my own website (yea).  This was something that was on my mind for over 2 years.  Munchkin just kept us so busy with her life that I never quite had the time.  It seems I finally “had the time.”  I need to learn more about the SEO and building links, it will come when I can get my interest back in it.  Right now, it was another step for me.  Each item you check off your list is a step!  Even if you have not finished it in it’s entirety, it is a step forward. 

It is harder without you.  Things we didn’t really think about before of course.  The dog thing was one.  You, Munchkin would always watch the dogs for us if we had to go away.  Now I have to drop them off to other people.  I hate doing that.  Daisy (our 17 year old Dachshund) is too old to be boarded.  But then again it was nice to just have the entire weekend to myself.  I really needed that. 

So, I give my thanks every day as to people, things, prayers that come my way.  I know we have been blessed with so much even though sometimes I fret over the small things or finance’s, I know we have been blessed.  How could we not be.  I am/was the mother of two very special girls.  These blessings will continue, I know they will.  It is not the end, but a new beginning.  Not one I know we thought would ever happen but it is what it is.  It is up to us how we see it through. 

My lights will shine as two stars twinkle in heaven.  So every time I see one, I will forever count it as a wink. 

Much love,

Mom.

I finally did it, I GIVE!

11 months, 19 days and I finally gave in.  I went to the doctor today for a follow up of another nature and decided to ask for something to “take the edge off.”  I have never taken any kind of drug for anxiety or depression but the anxiety comes in waives.  It is all emotional, nothing serious and yet I’ve had it my entire life.  Did not even know what it was for 25 years of my life until I was at a doctor’s appointment many years ago and she asked if I ever got “anxious?”  I had to ask for an explanation……once she explained I had to say yes to every one of her descriptions.  I thought that was normal.

I have a thyroid problem (controlled-disorder) for practically my entire life.  It runs rampant in my family of females and I was the luckiest of them all by having it detain my life at the age of 5.  My goiter was growing and cutting off my air supply and keeping me from eating.  I was lucky enough to have one of mine surgically removed at five years old.  When I use the word luck you should know this is being sarcastic at best.  My parents had 2 other children at home.  My older sister who was 7 and my younger sister who was 3.  Both parents had full time jobs and here I was presenting a medical case not many had seen at my age.  So I was “lucky” enough to have a hospital stay that I remember vividly but not the length of time.  I know I was there the majority of the time by myself.  Strange how at the age of five I understood that my mother and father would be there when they could.  I know it probably worried my mother and father sick that I was there by myself but the hospital was over an hour’s drive from where we lived and now that I am older I understand how companies were back then on “taking time off.”

So, fast forward many years later to get back to the anxiety issue.  Anxiety seems to follow the medication you have to take when you have Thyroid disorders.  It is a part of it and I owned it out right and just learned how to deal with it.  For many, many years.  I did not want to take a drug for it.

This time, I gave in.  For a short time.  I am very thankful that the physician I see is more of a holistic doctor and will generally treat you in foods, over the counter items and such.  I do like that but she understands that it may not be the course of treatment in all cases.  ALTHOUGH, after reading part of the “indications and usage and side effects” will probably keep me from continuing the drug as in WHY I have stayed away from these.  In the  case of my daughter, it added to her death. Not that she overdosed on this, but that she was on one of these anti-anxiety drugs.  In my own defense of life and age.  I do not have the problems a 20 year old does as in drama, friends, new family and such.

Drug prescribed:  Lexapro (I believe Munchkin was also on this).  Heading on the MedGuide form that came with the prescription:

What is the most important information I should know about Lexapro?

1.  Suicidal thoughts or actions:

.Lexapro an other antidepressant medicines may increase suicidal thoughts or actions in some children, teenagers, or young adults within the first few months of treatment or when the dose is changed.  (side note:  I’m way past teenager, young adult so I am……safe from these suicidal thoughts?)

. Depression or other serious mental illnesses are the most important causes of suicidal thoughts or actions.

. Watch for these changes and CALL your healthcare provider right away if you notice:   New or sudden changes in mood, behavior, actions, thoughts, or feelings, especially if severe.   And there are more listed mainly about the suicidal and depressive mood changes.

(This all comes from me being a Medical Insurance Claims Specialist for 20 years).  I have examined enough medical claims in the past and trained to watch for drug abuse and just everything in general.  We had to read all operative reports, all related materials, etc., etc., so anytime I receive a new medication I am still in my training mode as to reading the forms that come with these.  It is now instilled in my nature.

SO, I will watch for these signs because myself, personally I just want to take the edge off of my “almost year” and get past my milestones and get my fully functioning brain back in order.  I was just reading over “Tersia Burger’s” post on her Year.   I know exactly what she meant when she noted the changes you go through in the first year.  Your thoughts are just not where they were, you try but you just do not have it in you to proceed to the fully functional capacity you were a year before that.  You are foggy, slow, your house is messier than usual and your life just seems to stand still at times.

It’s us who are standing still.  Everyone else is still going on and having wonderful days and looking forward to the future.  We are looking forward to the day our happiness returns.   Time.  Our worst enemy and in the long run, our best.

So, hopefully I can continue in what I have planned with this.  It has been rough to say the least.  I will have so many thoughts run through my head that I want to write down and blog and by the time I get here — POOF.

 

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