Archive for May, 2013


The passage

Searching for answers and reason is a normal process in which we all must go through when we loose our children.  The reality is slow, yet it will come.  These first few posts are my way of dealing with some ongoing issues that I have and a release.  I will get through it, yet I will never get “over it.”  And never, ever use those words (get over it) to a person who has lost a child.  We “Get through it.”  Never do you get “over it.”  

Answers come in many formats.  The most common is having someone to talk to.  If you have a loved one, a friend, even just an acquaintance that has lost a child, please call them.  Even after so many months pass they still need a release.  It takes about a year to get passed the “open wound” that we feel.  The best way to describe it to people who say “I cannot imagine what you are going through” is to imagine part of your Soul gone.  It is such a deep, intense pain that feels like part of your insides have just been ripped out yet you are physically intact.  

When people say “I don’t know what to do.”  You lend an ear.  This is what they need.  Help keep them busy.  Idle minds is what we revert to and when we are idle we have nothing better to do than to think of what we no longer have. 

Send them letters or even a card months after just letting them know you are still thinking about them.  We believe our best passage is to not talk about it.  It is and it isn’t.  We have to move on, yet we feel guilty doing so because we are still here. 

Searching will come in forms of books.  I, myself cannot buy one that tells you how to “deal with loosing a child.”  I look more into the spiritual books.  I look to be closer to my children whom are in “different forms now.”  

They will question God and Why.  This is normal, but will pass in time.  God is what gets us through.  Our answers are not what we have been brought up to believe.  We question God because we cannot believe a child can be taken from us.  YET, the age doesn’t have any measure in our existence here.  I believe our “task” is done.  Completed.  We all come from God and we go home to God.  That is our ultimate reason for making our life here.  To go home and be with God.  

When our children make it there before we do.  Then you were blessed with souls who’s tasks here were short. We must endure because we still have many things to learn.  

Having faith will rest the fear. 

 

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Time

Today is May 21st.  Four months from the date you left.

Today I will get Wittly.  We haven’t seen him in over a month and we really want to spend some time with him.  I know he will wonder where Cason and Leah are and I had thought about waiting until next weekend when we will have them here.  But we miss him so much and just want to spend a couple of days with him.

Today is also a passage.  Today marks 4 months that you left and yet it is the first day in the new life of so many others.  Oklahoma was just hit by a massive tornado killing over 20 children.   I have and keep thinking of those parents.  What they have to go through.   It is such a long road that is forgotten by so many around you.  The first few days and months are the hardest.

As of now I still wait for you to walk through the back door or for my phone to ring and it is you.  I know Dad is the same way.  We continue to wait for you to come home.

We still have such a hard, hard time even speaking your name.  I do okay in speaking with others as long as I can change the conversation quickly.  I can’t say your name or talk about you without being emotional.  As long as I don’t speak out loud than I can manage.   These parents are just starting.  I know how they feel from loosing Lindy at 3 and now you at 30.

That reminds me, I need to check with Michelle about what you wanted me to remember.  You said the “number 3”.  That first day Michelle called me she also said that you were telling her something about “the number 3” but she didn’t know either what you meant.  Mainly because you were telling her so many things to relay to me that she was having a hard time keeping up with you.  I pictured you doing this in my head.  It was so you!

God Bless all the parents in Moore, Oklahoma today and tomorrow and for many, many days to come.  He will carry them.  This I can tell you by faith and experience.  You will not know it but he really is carrying your pain.

You are constantly on my mind.  Every tiny thought before I close my eyes at night and the first thought when I open them again.

It will get better.

Munchkin

Munchkin

The lovely Munchkin.

Mel just turned 30 on the 2nd of January and passed away on the 21st.  My blog has to do with my Mel but I promise it will not be a memorial of sorts.  Her death was early and unnecessary.  She left behind 3 children, me and her father plus many family members.  Her adult life was troubled with one thing in general, Love.  She did not inspire a great career or to make her mark on the world, she only inspired to be loved and have a home and family.  She thought she accomplished that until her world fell apart in 2012.  Her spirit was destroyed, her family, everything she had thought she wanted was not what it seemed.   Love is in the “eye” of the beholder and those around that choose to believe.   Mel was our 2nd child.  Born after we lost our 1st.  I called her my miracle child because I could not have any more children and she was “made” and born at just the right time.  She was truly a miracle child that has gone home.

Little do you know what power the title holds over you.  This is such a powerful statement to wake up, through out the day and last thought for the night that it can and will completely change your life and your entire profile.  

Sometimes even I forget it when I get busy but when I remember it and put it back in my thought process through out the day it changes every aspect of who I am perceived and how I perceive those around me. 

If you are walking and waking without a lifeline, I’ll lend you mine.  This is your life “on a cloud.”  It will pull you up and it will strengthen you.  To me the most powerful verse the bible has and what seems most inspirational speeches, scripts and teachings all come down to.

In the last few months and for the days to follow this is my lifeline. 

I’ll tell you soon enough about our “Melissa.”  A beautiful person who would give her last cent to help someone else and yet couldn’t help herself out of her own pain. 

 

 

Melissa, it’s going on 4 months now and you are constantly on my mind.  I’m not sure if it is just because Mother’s Day is 4 days from now or what.  But it is a nagging feeling just encompassing me day and night.

The days just pass by so quickly.  It just doesn’t seem like I have enough time in the day to accomplish much of anything.  I still need to get the kids room cleaned up, get their clothes sorted and take some up to the store.  We still need a date for a yard sale.  All of your things are still in the shop.  And I want to move.  You know I need to move.   For our sake and the kids.  You are all around us here, but in a good way.  I’m just so sad here because of all the circumstances.  We all need to start over.  The kids love to come “home”, yet they still will not sleep in their room.  I understand and so we just continue to make a big pallet in the living room.  This is another reason why we need to move on.  We need a place that we can all be at peace together. 

Your picture hangs in front of me still, every day, every moment I am here I see your face smiling back at me.  You know how I wish it was you in person.  I miss you so much.  I am now having such a hard time with it.  I hate to cry, hate it, hate it.  You know I hold it all in and yet I hate that to.  There just isn’t much I can do either way to make things better.  Yet wait for the next day to come and the next and the next and wait for that one year mark so that I can look back and say one year has passed.  It is just a milestone to get me through, that’s all.

So many things to say and this is the best way I know how to do it.  I’ve been thinking about a blog……not sure I want everything in public view.  I don’t really think it matters anymore, who cares other than maybe there are others that just don’t know how to perceive the pain that comes from losing a child….again.  I only have 2 comforts at this point.  Knowing you are both together and knowing that you are with Christ.

You know that Audrey has been calling and texting me to check on me.  God bless her.  The friends die off after a while.  They just assume you are doing better and I just lie when they do call.  I don’t like for anyone else to feel sad.

Michelle has been a God send all the way around.  She keeps up with me in more ways than one and realizing I need to keep up with her more.  She helps to keep me focused and a swift kick in the rear when I need it, but you know I do the same for her.  The nagging feeling is gone so I suppose it was for me to call Michelle.   We seem to feed off of each other but in a good way.  I know we were led to be friends and stay connected all these years. For this one purpose if not for the future.  Send your peace her way, she needs a little of your “redneck” about now.

…Jeff came by a few days ago, I guess you know that.  I’m not sure what his full intentions were.  He talked to us for a while and your Dad had to go outside.  I know it was a bit rude but then again he just can’t take too much conversation over any of it.  Jeff wanted to go into your room.  I let him, but went with him.  He said he could “smell” you.  I know exactly what he meant.  Your “scent” is still in the room.  A beautiful, pleasing, soft scent.  I love walking in your room.

Just the first of many that I can say “I started.”

I love you.

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